- Become an atheist, agnostic, or any other person who rejects the existence and authority of the God who created you. Be flippant and cavalier in your attitude towards God and the pursuit of wisdom. "The fool hath said in his heart, 'There is no God.' They are corrupt, they have done abominable works, there is none that doeth good." - Psalm 14:1 "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction. - Proverbs 1:7
- Never take advice, counsel, or correction from anyone. Firmly believe that you have all the answers and are never, ever wrong. Follow your heart, dude. "The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise." - Proverbs 12:15 "He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool: but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered." - Proverbs 28:26
- Become a liar and a slanderer. Gossip about other people. Spread rumors. Make yourself look good by talking about how bad everyone around you is (who cares if it's true or not?). "He that hideth hatred with lying lips, and he that uttereth a slander, is a fool." - Proverbs 10:18
- Surround yourself with other fools. Hang out with people who encourage you in your vices or introduce you to new ones. Find your friends in low places. "He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed." - Proverbs 13:20
- Tear down your safety net, brick by brick. Push your spouse, parents, or other family members away. Treat them badly. Reject the role God assigned to you. Be negative, unsubmissive, and disrespectful. "Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." - Proverbs 14:1
- Take sin very lightly. Laugh about it. Mock the "goody-goodies" who won't participate in your vices. Revel in your freedom to choose. Keep going back for more. "Fools make a mock at sin: but among the righteous there is favour." - Proverbs 14:9 "As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly." - Proverbs 26:11
- Have a quick temper. Keep a chip on your shoulder, and get in people's faces immediately when they knock it off. Scream, yell, and get violent. Pick fights, stir up drama, and go looking for trouble. Meddle in other people's business. "He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly: and a man of wicked devices is hated." - Proverbs 14:17 " A fool's lips enter into contention, and his mouth calleth for strokes." - Proverbs 18:6 "It is an honour for a man to cease from strife: but every fool will be meddling." - Proverbs 20:3
- Reject the authority figures God has placed in your life. You're so much smarter than them anyway. "A fool despiseth his father's instruction: but he that regardeth reproof is prudent." - Proverbs 15:5 "A wise son maketh a glad father: but a foolish man despiseth his mother." - Proverbs 15:20
- Say whatever is on your mind, and don't worry about the consequences. Get if off your chest. Be quick to speak and slow to listen. Assert your expertise into every conversation, even if you have no idea what's going on. Be heard. Love the sound of your own voice. It's musical, man. "A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards." - Proverbs 29:11 "Seest thou a man that is hasty in his words? there is more hope of a fool than of him." - Proverbs 29:20
- Live for today. Never contemplate death, eternity, or the state of your soul. Avoid the issue of the Cross. Have fun. Do whatever you want, and don't worry about what happens to you when you die. Party on, dude. "The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth." - Ecclesiastes 7:4 "For the preaching of the cross is to them that are perishing foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the power of God. - I Corinthians 1:18 "For the invisible things of Him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse: Because that, when they knew God, they glorified Him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools, And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and to fourfooted beasts, and creeping things. Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves: Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen. For this cause God gave them up to vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust toward one another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet. And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, Without understanding, covenant-breakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.
Well, there you have it. Follow this
foolproof guaranteed system, and you will be well on your way to becoming a legitimate fool. Good luck, and happy trails!
I feel compelled to add this little disclaimer for all of the extreme literalists out there. This has been a tongue-in-cheek, Screwtape-esque bit of very, very bad advice: my version of an April Fool's post, since I'm really not into the more traditional pranks. I do, however, enjoy satire, which is what the bold "advice" in the points above has been. The scriptures, obviously, are what I'm REALLY advising you to do. I'm sure most of you caught that, but I've learned the hard way that satire can be rather lost on some people, so I thought I should spell it out here at the end.... Please don't send me hate mail. I do NOT want you to become a fool!